Screw the Bloody PTB.
by Dezdemona
Summary: What happens when the the characters try to figure out how things got so bizarre in season 6? And what can they do about it? Takes place between As You Were and Hell's Bells. Rated PG13 for language.


TAKES PLACE BETWEEN THE EPISODES "AS YOU WERE" AND "HELL'S BELLS".

"Stop complainin' about your damned Ferragamo-who-gives-a-flying-fuck boots!"   Spike turned and eyed the rag-tag line of Scoobies behind him.  Slipping and sliding in the muck hidden under an inch of foul-smelling water, they all came to a stop, more or less at the same time.   "You knew we were gonna meet in the sewers." he snapped.  "Why the hell didn't you wear some old boots or something?"   Buffy, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Anya, and Xander were strung out behind him like a bizarre little bunch of underground ducklings trailing obediently behind their mother.    The girls exchanged looks and did a synchronized eye roll that clearly said _Men never understand about shoes.   _Taking in their obvious discomfort, and their frowning little faces screwed up in disgust over all the muckiness, Spike was tempted to laugh out loud.  He knew that probably wouldn't go down well, so he turned around quickly to hide his grin and started moving forward again.     "_Women!  Why couldn't they ever be sensible about shoes?_

 

Behind him, Buffy stuck her tongue out and made a face at his back. "I don't have any old boots, Spike," she pouted as the group started moving forward.   "They won't even let me keep a pair of boots long enough to break them in, much less get old.  Do you have any idea what it's like to stand around in pinchy new boots Every. Single. Day?  Much less jump around fighting monsters? "  His grin widened, but he decided he'd be wise to keep his hole shut.  "You try it sometime." she grumbled.  _God, the girl could whine for the Gold,_ he thought, doing his own Olympic-calibre eye roll.

"We're almost there." he said over his shoulder.  "Here's the last bit now."   He turned into a tunnel that forked off to the right.  The line of Scoobies followed faithfully behind him.  "This is it." he said a minute later, stopping in front of some planks that leaned haphazardly against one wall.  He moved the wood aside and they saw a rough opening about four feet high.   "Put your hands on the sides of the tunnel and you'll be alright.  Mind your step though 'cause there's no light for the first 20 feet or so."  Bending forward, he climbed through the opening, signaling for the others to follow.   Already familiar with the way, he was soon within sight of the tunnel's end.  

He stepped out into a large cave with a high vaulted ceiling.  A long, narrow slash in the wall about half way up let in a surprising amount of daylight, but since the rays ran almost horizontally across the space, they posed no danger to him down on the floor below. The cavern was empty except for a row of wooden crates stacked neatly in piles three and four deep along one wall.   He headed toward them and pulled one down, carrying it toward the center of the chamber.  One by one, the Scoobies stepped or stumbled out of the passageway. 

"This is pretty cool." said Buffy, admiring the almost symmetrical shape of the cavern and the way the light shone through it.  "Kinda like a church."   "At least we're away from that awful smell." exclaimed Dawn, scraping the soles of her track shoes on the edge of a sharp rock. 

"That was pretty yucky alright." agreed Willow.  "I don't even wanna know what we were walking in.   Yick." she said, giving a small shudder to underline her disgust.   She turned toward Tara and asked, "Are you okay?"   "Of course." replied Tara simply.  "I grew up on a farm, remember?"   She hitched her pant legs up a few inches and looked down at her feet.   She balanced on her heels and waved the toes of her high rubber boots from side to side.

"Oh.  That was smart." said Willow with a wry smile as she looked at her sopping wet running shoes.  _Dumb Willow.  Of course, if I could still use magic, I could just zap them all clean and dry again.  NO!  Stop thinking about magic.  Wet feet aren't exactly the end of the world.  _

Tara was rarely the one who got to think the others were a bunch of wimps, and being a nice person, she was trying not to gloat over their ruined footwear.  It didn't work.   _I'd love to see them spend just one day doing farm chores._ Her mind flashed quickly on a series of images.  _Buffy cleaning out the chicken-house; Willow slopping the pigs; Xander trying to groom a horse._  She couldn't help chuckling out loud.   

"What? What's so funny?" Willow asked."  Tara looked away quickly.  "Nothing" she said, still fighting down the urge to laugh.  Willow frowned in puzzlement.  "Just us." Tara said quickly, snatching at the first thing she could think of.    "Meeting down here like some kind of secret club, trying to stay under the Power's radar.  It is kind of absurd." she added, firmly flicking the Off switch on the imaginary blooper reel of Sunnydale Farms that had been amusing her.   She turned back and gave Willow her most innocent smile.  

"I guess it is kinda funny." Willow agreed.   "It sure is weird.  I'll say that much."  She sighed and strolled toward the crates Spike was placing in a rough circle in the middle of the floor.  "Looks like we even have a place to sit."  She settled on one of the crates, carefully leaving enough space beside her for Tara.  She watched sadly as her ex brushed off the top of a crate all the way across the circle from her.

Buffy was crouched down, reading the labels on the crates.  All contained weapons of one sort or another.  "So this must be stuff the Initiative left behind." she remarked to Spike.  "Yeah.  I figure."  "Hmmph." said Buffy thoughfully.   "Bet this ends up coming in handy one day."   She noticed one of the labels hanging loose and carefully pried it off.   Perching on the edge of one of the crates, she crossed an ankle over a knee and started wiping off the top of her boot using the label as a makeshift tissue.   Spike watched as she switched legs and started on the other boot.   He shook his head in disbelief.  _Ladies and gents, behold the hero of the piece.  Ha-bloody-ha!_

One by one, the others wandered toward the makeshift seating area and settled their assorted backsides on the various crates.  All except for Xander, who seemed determined to read every label on every crate still stacked over to the side.  "Harris, get over here." Spike bellowed. "Let's get this bloody meeting started."   

Xander walked toward the group.  Shaking his head, he said.  "Man, this stuff must be here for a reason.  Are you sure they can't overhear us talking down here?"  Spike's patience was already wearing thin and the talking hadn't even started yet.  "They're the bloody Powers That Be, aren't they?" he barked, glaring in the general direction of the ceiling and the heavens beyond.  "Of course they can hear us down here… if they want to.  But seeing as how they seem to have forgotten about this place for a couple of years, all we can do is hope they aren't bloody paying attention.  Right?"   

"Come and sit beside me, Honey."  Anya patted the space next to where she sat on one of the bigger crates.  "I saved you a good spot.  No splinters.  See?"  She smiled as he came over and sat beside her.  "Thanks, An."  He put his arm around her shoulder, feeling a tug of fear in his chest as he did.  That feeling seemed to come on him more and more often these days.  He pulled her tighter to his side, and she looked up at him questioningly.  "It's gonna be okay, Anya.  I promise."   She started to say something, but he bent and kissed her gently, stopping her words.   Pulling back a moment later, he smiled at her lovingly.  She looked up at him, and tried not to let him see her own fear.  "Okay", she said quietly, giving him a small smile back. 

She sighed and lowered her head so she could rest it against his shoulder.  She looked around the group, keeping the smile on her face and trying to look more optimistic than she felt.  The others had fallen silent, watching the couple.  Xander and Anya were the reason they were all here.   The wedding was only four days away and nothing could be allowed to interfere with that.  Nothing.   Tara, seated on the crate next to the pair, reached out to lay a comforting hand on Anya's arm.  

Spike stood up and reached into his pocket, looking for his smokes.   "Alright." he said.  "Let's go over what we know and start trying to suss things out."  He lit a cigarette and paused.   "What's the first thing that felt off?"  He directed the question at no one in particular.  "See, I'm thinking if we can figure out where it all started, maybe we can figure out how to stop it."  He was answered with mumbles and groans from the others.  "Stands to reason, don't it?" he tried again.   

"Well," said Buffy, "my clothes have been way prettier these last few months than they ever were before."   Dawn rolled her eyes, Willow snorted a laugh, and Spike stared at her like she'd grown a second head.  "What?" she said defensively.  "Haven't you noticed all the great coats I've been wearing lately?  Every time I open the closet, there's a new one even nicer than the last.  Compared to the stuff I've had to wear for the last few years?  Yeesh."  She shuddered dramatically.   "Oooh!  And all the blouses.  Really feminine and frilly, and even see-through.  And don't forget that long, cool leather skirt." she added with emphasis, as if to punctuate her argument.  

Of course, the minute she mentioned the skirt, she remembered the night she and Spike had spent knocking down a house with their naked passion.   _Don't think about that!  Aaargh!  Must.Not.Think.About.Lips.Of.Spike!  Or Biceps.Of.Spike.  Or Chest.Of.Spike.  Or Abs.Of.Spike. Or.   STOP!!!!! I'll think about something else.  Anything else!  Like my hair.  I really hate this haircut, and the color's too dark too. _ Her thoughts chased each other at full speed in desperate flight from all thoughts of Spike.  She could feel him staring at her and she was determined not to look at him.  _Damn PTB!_  _Double damn!  _She had no control.  No free will anymore.  None of them did.  So in spite of what she wanted, she found herself staring into Spike's blue, blue eyes.  _Sigh.  _It was clear he was thinking about that first night too.   Before either of them had a chance even to think about breaking eye contact, Dawn was on her feet standing in front of Buffy.

"You're such a superficial, selfish cow!" the girl yelled at her older (but tinier) sister.  "Everybody's all messed up, and doing stupid, weird stuff, and all you can think about is your dumb clothes?  All that matters to you is you, You, YOU!"  Hand on hip, and in a mocking falsetto voice, she continued. "Buffy's the chosen one.  Buffy's the hero.  Everybody loves Buffy.  It's all about Buffy, Buffy, BUFFY!"    Dawn's voice had risen steadily till it reached a shrill screech, and by the end of her tirade her fists were clenched and she was in tears.  "Oh God!" she sobbed, turning embarrassed eyes toward the group.  "I'm doing it again!  Why can't I stop whining?   I wanna stop so bad!"  Spike placed a hand gently on her shoulder and she turned toward him.  "I hate myself, Spike." she wailed.  "Just as much as you guys must all hate me."  With that she pounded her fists against him, looking up at him in dismay even as she did it.  "I'm sorry." she squeaked between sobs, dropping her forehead to his chest as he pulled her into a comforting hug.  "Why are they making me like this?  Why do they want everybody to hate me?"  she sobbed piteously into his shirt front.  

"Nobody hates you, Sweet Bit."  said Spike, trying his best to soothe the girl.   Buffy, Willow and Xander exchanged guilty looks.  Between the stealing, the whining, and the acting like an eight year old, Dawn had really been getting on everybody's last nerve lately.  Spike, watching over the girl's shoulder, shot each of them in turn an icy glare.   He rubbed Dawn's back in slow circles and kept talking in a calm, smooth tone, every word aimed more at the others than at the sad little girl clutching at him for dear life and struggling to get herself under control.

"We know it's not your fault, Little Bit, 'cause everybody's been acting all wrongheaded.  Look at it this way," he continued,  "at least you're not running off at the mouth about something as stupid as 'Spellcasters Anonymous'."  His eyes bored into Willow's and she flushed with embarrassment.   "Going around all shivers and shakes like some cheap crack junkie, and drinking more water than a herd of camels after a week-long trek."     He bit his tongue and stopped himself from making a crack about breaking other people's arms.  Red was already squirming enough, and he knew it wasn't really her fault any more than it was the Bit's.   The sobbing against his front was down to sniffles now.  "AND you're not wearing a stupid cow hat and working for pennies, OR fattening up by about  five pounds a week till you like like a teletubby version of your former self."   He shot a baleful look in Buffy's direction, and another in Xander's, before pulling back from Dawn and bending his knees slightly to bring him to eye level with her.   

When he saw that she was really looking at him he said "And even if you're nickin' jewelry, just like a lot of teens do at one time or another, at least you have the good sense not to wear 20 pieces of it at a time."  With that he smiled ruefully at her and raised his hands up in front of his chin, waving his fingers a little to help make his point.  Taking in the 9 rings, 6 bracelets, and 3 chains, he had on, Dawn broke into a genuine grin.   She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him hard, just long enough to whisper "Thanks, Spike." in his ear.  Then she turned and went to sit beside Tara.  

Both girls smiled warmly at him and he took a few seconds to enjoy it.  He'd been such a useless git lately that it felt good just to know he'd done something right for a change.   Aside from dressing like some third-rate Vegas lounge lizard with a silver fetish, he couldn't seem to hold his own in a fight any more, and THAT was right worryin'.  Even the fledglings seemed to be tossing him around like he was some featherweight wanker with a glass jaw.   He was worse than pathetic.  

"I think you made your point, wiseguy."  said Xander, still smarting over the weight crack.  "We know we've all turned into idiots.  The question is what can we do about it?  And can we do… whatever we're gonna do before we do something incredibly stupid to screw up the wedding Saturday?"  

"Ha!" snorted Willow.  They all turned to look at her.  "If you ask me, it's the PTB that are on some kind of cheap crack… junkie…  drug trip… or something. "  Registering the assortment of eye rolls and head shakes from her friends, she protested,  "Well, it… it could be drugs or something like that.   We don't know."

With nothing useful coming from the gallery, Spike shrugged and looked toward Buffy.  She sat with an impassive look on her face, and simply shrugged right back at him.   _Thanks for all your help, Slayer.  _He turned back in Xander's direction.   "Look, we know you're scared, Harris.  It's bleedin' obvious the bloody PTB have lost the plot.   We're all doing ridiculous shit that's completely out of character.   We don't know why, and we can't seem to stop no matter how hard we try.  That about the size and shape for everybody?"  Nods all around.   "And it keeps getting more dangerous all the time." 

Determined not to spare himself any more than the others, he plowed on.  "This past week it was me.   One minute I'm just a bloke that wants enough blood, smokes and booze to get by.  I'm watching Passions and wishing I had a honey to cuddle with.  The next, I've suddenly got delusions of being a bloody international arms trader!  Where the bloody hell did THAT come from?   I'm no soddin' world ender.   Never was.  Leave that to the wankers.   I don't even own a bleedin' phone!  How can I be an arms trader without even a bloody phone?"  He'd been pacing, but now came to a full stop, slapping his arms down to his sides in frustration.   The pause only lasted a few seconds, then he was pacing again, arms back in the air, waving.  "Next thing I know, I've got wall-to-wall eggs hatching, the Commando from Corrugated Hell is busting my balls, and the Slayer is blowing my crypt to pieces!  Bugger!"

Xander chuckled.  "Guess you could say you really had egg on your face, huh?"  He was trying to lighten the mood a bit.  Hell, the vampire looked so distraught, even he felt sorry for the guy.  Spike stopped his pacing again and stood with mouth open in surprise at Xander's weak attempt at humour.  "How can you even joke about it?" he asked almost solemnly.  "Everybody could have died 'cause of me."  He looked down, unable to face them.  "I'm so sorry."   

The words were no sooner out than they were followed by a string of curses.  "See?  That's all wrong." he ranted.   "I'm not supposed to be apologizing to anybody!  Ever!  For Anything!  Vampire means never having to say you're sorry.  _Stupid movie.  Dru must've dragged me to it fifty times.  _ I'm 146 years old!  I'm the Big Bad.  _Yeah, right. _ Master vampire.  _Okay, semi-retired Master Vampire._  Point is I'm not supposed to have identity crises or... or career aspirations.  It's bleedin' humiliating!"  With that, he spun around and plopped down on a crate, shoulders slumped, still mumbling under his breath.     _I need a ciggie.  Fuck, I need a bottle or three of tequila right now!  _He'd have to settle for the smoke. 

Buffy had been biting her lip to keep from laughing for quite awhile now, determined not to interrupt drama-boy when he was on such an entertaining roll.  Once she was sure she had it under control, she stood up and took center stage.  She sent the vamp a sympathetic look he didn't know how to interpret, then turned to the group.  "It's not just Spike and Willow.  I've been screwing too.   Screwing UP, too."  She could feel the blood rushing to her face.   "I meant screwing UP."  _Explain the blushing.  Quick!  Think of something! _

"If anybody should win the "Most Humiliating" category this week, it's me.  I mean, think about that whole Riley deal.   Old boyfriend shows up out of the blue, and what am I wearing?  One of my neat coats?  A pretty blouse?  No.  I'm wearing a cow hat. Pfft."  She waved her arm dismissively and started to walk back and forth, getting into it now.  "I mean, there he is in all that cute black kevlar, and I'm in a cow hat!   He tells me he's on a mission and off I go, 'cause who wouldn't rather play commando than serve burgers, right?  Only he doesn't exactly tell me all he should about this mission.  Oh no.  He forgets to mention a few things, like the fact that his mission partner is actually his WIFE!  Small detail.  Ha!  Must have slipped his mind.  _Okay.  That's enough about that part.  Move it along. _  

"So, we're driving along in his zippy black jeepy... vehicle... whatever it is, and he's telling me how happy he is to see me, how cute my hair is.  _Stop!  Shut-up NOW! _  And what am I doing?  I'm fawning and drooling all over the guy.  _Oh God!  Not now!  Not one of these insane, out-of-character things NOW!_    He gives me commando gear to change into as we're driving along and promises he won't look."  She heard a low growl from Spike behind her, but managed not to look anywhere in his direction.   _Thank God he's behind me.  I WILL NOT TURN AROUND.  Shut up, Buffy.  SHUT UP!  _

"So while he was being a perfect gentleman, I was flirting with him like crazy hoping he WOULD peek."  Buffy's face was beet red now, and anyone could see her eyes had a look of sheer desperation in them.  Except that by now, no one was actually looking anywhere near her eyes.  That's why none of them realized that Buffy wasn't actually telling them all this by choice.   Well, Dawn was starting to get a clue, but so far she found it way too entertaining to think of interrupting.  Spike, of course, was dead sure from the start that little Miss I've-Got-a-Secret would never be spilling all this on purpose.  She had to be in one of those weird twilight-zone character distortion bubbles they'd all been experiencing, and he was determined to learn everything he could about soldier boy's recent visit.  He slipped off his crate and walked around to stand behind Dawn so he could watch her face while she told the tale.  

"Then we got to the dam" Buffy continued "and it got even worse.  _Oh kill me now.  Why did he have to go stand over there?  This is even worse than that musical spell 'cause I can't even run.  Please, let me run.  Or die.  Your choice._  She turned her eyes up to the PTB, those bastards who'd been inflicting this torture on them all for the past few months.  No matter how hard she tried to run, her legs just wouldn't carry her outside the circle of crates.  

"Of course, he only had one rope to rappel down on."  Buffy put her hands around her throat and tried to squeeze.  _If I can just cut the air off.   Or break my larynx.  _ Dawn started to move toward her sister, but Spike put a hand firmly on her shoulder.   He bent down and whispered in her ear.   Dawn sat back down.  Spike's narrowed gaze had never left Buffy's eyes.  He tilted his head as if to say, "By all means, carry on."  

Buffy's private hell had only been going on for a minute or two, but to her it felt like centuries.   _Here it comes.  Oh, God, please stop this! _  "So I climbed onto Riley, and put my arm around his neck, gluing my body to his as much as I could as we slid down to the bottom platform."  Dawn's eyebrows shot up.   Spike's hand was still firmly on her shoulder.  _How much longer can I let her talk like this?  _ The others fidgeted, but none looked up at Buffy's face.  

The saga continued.  "Once we got our feet on the ground, it was all-out hormone bomb time.   There I was, fluttering my eyelashes and melting into him, and there he was, all leaning into me and backing me up against a pillar, and then bam!  Riley's wife showed up and I was like... huh?  Wife?  Wha?  Pathetic much?"   _Please, no more!  If I keep going, I'll end up telling them about Riley finding Spike and me sleeping together.  Please, please let me die NOW! _  She threw an anguished look in Spike's direction, silently pleading for help.  He caught the look and hesitated only for a second.  Then he bent and whispered in Dawn's ear.  She nodded and went to Buffy, putting her arm around her sister and leading her firmly back to sit beside her.  Spike squeezed Buffy's shoulder briefly before going back to the center of the circle.  Buffy had pulled up the collar of her blouse and was biting down hard on a handful of frills.  So far, it seemed to be helping.  Dawn kept a hand firmly on her arm, just in case she was tempted to jump up and start spouting again.

"Right." Spike said loudly.  "I still think I win the humiliation sweeps for this week, but thanks for trying to make me feel better, Slayer."  Everyone let out a breath and turned their attention to Spike.  "Course, knowing soldier boy, any woman who'd marry him would have to be dumb as ditchwater or completely off her bird."  Buffy threw him a grateful smile, which he was more than glad to catch.  _I made her smile.  Third time today.  It's a good day, then. _  He didn't see any point in letting the group know that the PTB had been up to their tricks again just now with Buffy, and were therefore obviously listening in.  He turned toward them and continued.  "The fact is, we've all been getting stupider and stupider."

"Except for Tara."  This came from Anya, so they all turned in her direction.  "Huh?" said Xander.  Anya looked at Spike, and he nodded for her to continue.   "Well," she said, "after Willow did that spell that made us forget who we were – and we nearly got killed by all those vampires – Tara left her.  That was smart, wasn't it?"  She looked around the group.  "Well, I thought it was smart.  I mean, if you're in a relationship with an addict, you're supposed to stop being a … what do they call it?"  "An enabler." supplied Spike.  "Yeah" nodded Anya emphatically.  "That's what I mean, an enabler.  You're supposed to stop.  And Tara did.  So Tara was being smart, not stupid."  

"You watch way too much Oprah."  Buffy said quietly to Spike, back in control of herself again.  He turned to see her grinning and shaking her head.   "You wanna stand up here , Slayer?"  he smirked at her good naturedly.   _Three smiles and one grin.  A big one too.  It really IS a good day.  Love's bitch till the end, then?  No matter.  It's still a good day.  _ "'Cause I didn't ask for this job, you know." he finished, chuckling.  

"No," she replied, her grin sliding into a soft but genuine smile.  "I was just teasing you.  You're doing good.  Really.  You stay in charge here 'cause you're doing it good."   Her attitude baffled him, but that was nothing new these days, so he turned back to Anya and Xander.  

"Yeah."  said Xander.  "We knew Willow was doing too much magic.  An and Buffy and I even talked about it, but we didn't know what to do.  At least Tara was trying to get her to stop, and when she didn't stop…"   "Hey!" yelled Willow, interrupting.  "Sitting right here." she said looking miffed.  

"Okay, Red.  Try not to take it personally." Spike said calmly.   "We're all fucked up here.  We're just trying to figure out how we got this way.  Right?"   Willow's shoulders slumped and she looked down at her hands, now tightly clasped in her lap.  "Okay." she said.  "I… I get that.  It's just hard, you know?"  "I know, Will" said Buffy, trying to think of someone other than herself for a minute.  The others nodded and mumbled words of support in Willow's direction.

"Right" said Spike.  "So Glinda's done at least one important thing that was actually smart.   Brave, too."  he added, knowing he'd never have been able to leave Buffy if it'd been her.   "Yeah.  Tara's developed a lot of confidence." said Buffy, remembering how Tara had faced down Anya over whether Willow should try using magic to end the birthday-party-that-went-on-forever.  "And she's also become my sounding board lately.   I've really come to value her friendship more than ever."  Now it was Tara's turn to blush as all these compliments came floating her way.

"Huh.  That's funny." said Anya.  "Everybody else is going downhill and getting stupider from one week to the next, and Tara's suddenly gaining confidence, being brave and smart, and becoming a more valuable friend.  It kind of reminds me of that blond girl on that doctor show you like, Xander."  She turned toward him.  "You know the one I mean.  The girl that never did much, and then suddenly she was doing all that great stuff and becoming everybody's best friend, and then all of a sudden, kablooey!  It was so sad.  She got hit by a hmpffff."  Xander's eyes had gone wide and he had suddenly attacked Anya with a kiss.  Buffy and Spike turned to each other, eyes wide with panic.  The girl on that show had become terrific only to be smashed like a bug under the wheels of a bus!     

Buffy leaned over and whispered to Spike, "Let's not give those evil bastards any ideas, okay?"  "Right." snapped Spike loudly, turning to the group again.  "This isn't getting us anywhere, so let's try a different bloody approach.  Let's try process of elimination.  Right?  Red, did you double-check the science end of things?"  Xander had stopped kissing Anya and was now shushing her.    Willow knew that Spike and Buffy and Xander were talking to each other without talking, but she had no idea what they were trying not to say.  _I hate being left out.  How is it I'm always the one left out now?_

"Red?" said Spike, trying to get her started.  "Yeah." she answered.  "I… I did.  I double-checked and it's definitely not some kind of drug in the water supply.  I tested it twice myself, plus I had it checked by the biggest brain in my chemistry class.  There's nothing there that shouldn't be.   Oh…. and it's not in the air either, 'cause Peter and I checked that real good too.   Just lots of yucky pollution chemicals, but no kind of, you know, mind altering drugs or stuff."   Spike nodded.  "Thanks, Red."  

He turned to Tara.  "What about magic?  Did you check that end again?  Maybe we're all under some soddin' spell?  I mean, it FEELS like a spell gone wrong.  Doesn't it?"  he asked, turning to the others.   A few heads nodded.  Buffy's was nodding so hard it was comical.    Willow looked around at her friends but said nothing.  _They think it's me again.  Whenever anything goes wrong now, everybody thinks it's my fault. _

"Sorry, Spike.   It's… it's definitely not magic." Tara said, dashing another theory.   "I even asked one of the girls in my Wicca group, who's pretty good with this kind of stuff, to help me with it.  We came up totally blank.  There's no mystical residue of any kind.   Plus, all our auras seem to be fine.  This just isn't about magic.  Sorry."  Spike nodded his thanks and sighed deeply.

Willow struggled to keep her face from crumpling when she heard Tara say she was doing magic with a friend.  _"Don't panic!  Don't panic!" she screamed at herself inside her head._  _After all, maybe it was just casual magic.  Not something deep and meaningful like Tara and I have.  Had.  Like we had. _  She wished she had a gallon jug of water to chug on right now.  What was she thinking not to bring a few with her. 

"So, it is the PTB after all."  Spike said quietly.   "That just confirms what I suspected.  I wasn't gonna tell you all this, but I had Clem put out feelers in L.A.  I thought if we were really desperate, maybe we might want to ask the Poof and his crew to come up and help with the wedding."

The words were hardly out of his mouth when Buffy jumped up and stepped in to punch him in the nose.   _Why is it always the bleedin' nose with her?  _ "You had no right to go behind my back to Angel." she screamed at him.  "Whoa, Slayer." he yelled, picking himself off the ground, hands outstretched to ward off any more punches.  _Look at her.  The steam's just about coming out of her ears.  _ "Don't get your knickers in a twist, Pet, 'cause nobody even talked to Angel."   She stood her ground, still seething.  "Clem's cousin has a pal that works with Angel, and he just asked real casual like if the crew was busy these days.  That's all."  

"You. Had. No. Right." she ground at him, before turning and going back to her seat.  She crossed her arms and glared at him.  _If looks could stake.  Right.  To hell with her then.  See how she likes this bit of news._   He turned away from her.  "The long and short of it is, not only can't we ask them for help, but it looks like the bloody PTB have been messing with that bunch even worse than with us. "  He continued in response to their questioning looks.  "They've got false prophesies to deal with, and inter-dimensional enemies, and time travelers, and a traitor inside the team.  Plus, somebody's snatched Angel's kid and they're all working like the demented trying to get him back from some hell dimension or other."   

He risked a quick glance in Buffy's direction.  Her eyes were round like saucers and her chin was in her lap.  _Ha!  Knew the Poof hadn't told her about the kid. _  "Whuh?" said Xander.  "Angel has a kid?"  "Yeah" said Spike.  "Seems him and Darla got back together for awhile last year, and now there's this prophesy baby, which Angel's got, or did have, 'cause Darla's dusted.  Again.  Don't ask me what kind of spawn those two could produce, but the story is it was just a plain, human baby.   Had to be some heavy mojo working for THAT to happen.  Anyway, Grandad and his crew have enough on their plates right now trying to get the baby back, so we can't get any help from them."   

A thousand thoughts and images whirled in Buffy's mind.  _Angel has a baby.  Angel._  _But someone stole it from him.  Poor Angel.  Would he ever be allowed to hold onto any kind of love or happiness?  _ She set that aside and thought about what it would be like to have a baby.  For a moment, she envied him, knowing her future was too short ever to include children.  _No babies for Buffy. _ She felt a lump in her throat and tried to fight down the tears she suddenly wanted to cry for the babies she'd never make.

Spike looked at Buffy full on for the first time since he'd started talking about things down in L.A.  She'd closed her mouth and was staring vacantly at some point on the floor in front of her.  Spike could see a tear on her lashes, just ready to fall.  His shoulders slumped and he looked down at his boots, suddenly fighting back tears of his own.  _It's always gonna be Angelus for her.  No matter whose bed she goes to or who lays his heart at her feet.  It'll always be bloody Angelus._  He sighed deeply, regretting the fact that he'd spoken so rashly.   He hated himself for giving her pain and making her cry.   _Well there you have it.     Guess I am just evil after all.  Monster. Monster. Monster._

"So I guess that means things could get a lot worse here, then.  Huh?"  Dawn spoke in a quiet voice.  "What are we gonna do?"   Spike's straightened his shoulders and turned toward her.  "We're gonna look out for each other, Bit." he said softly.   "Best we can.  That's all we can do."  He gave her a gentle smile.  She smiled back and nodded.  "No worries, Pet."  he said, his glance sliding over to Big Sis.

"Spike's right."  Buffy said.   Spike took a step backward in sheer surprise.  _Hel-lo.  Did the slayer just agree with him about something?  About anything?  _ She stood up and walked to the center of the circle.  Turning slowly, she took a long, loving look at every one of them.  _They're my family.  No babies, but that doesn't mean no love.  We got lotsa love, even if we are all screwups who don't know how to appreciate it most of the time.  _

"You guys have put so much effort and so much care into planning this wedding." she said to Anya and Xander.  "We are just NOT going to let anything go wrong."  Her voice was firm and rang with the kind of determination she usually showed just before leading the troops on a No.Apocalypse.Now mission.  "Everybody's gotta do their part and everything's gonna turn out okay."  Xander and Anya smiled at each other, both almost afraid to hope.  

"How many apolcalypses have we averted together?  We can do this. We just need a plan."  She was on a roll now.  "Willow" she said, turning to the redhead.  "Right here." Willow responded with a shaky smile.  "Your job is to stay with Xander the whole time.  You help him get ready.  You hold his hand if he gets nervous.  You make sure he has everything he needs.  Right?"  

"Got it." said Willow, smiling a little more steadily. "I'll even warm his toes up if he gets cold feet!"  she added, laughing, and sounding for a minute just like her old perky self.  Of course that last bit was met with a bunch of huh? faces, so maybe not.  "I'm good." she told them all, nodding firmly.  "Xander's totally covered."

"Great." said Buffy.  Next she turned to Tara.  "Tara, you're going to stay with Anya the entire time."  Anya broke in, "But just till the wedding, right?  I mean, she doesn't have to come on our honeymoon or anything, does she?"   Buffy laughed.  Spike's eyes were glued to her now.  She was fully alive, completely in charge, and ready to take on the world.  Just the way he loved her best.  He smiled to himself.  _THERE she is.  Good to see you back, Slayer.  _"Tara, you'll help Anya dress and make sure she has everything she needs to make her the most beautiful bride ever."    "It'll be my pleasure." Tara said, smiling warmly at Anya.  

"What about me?" asked Dawn.  "Can I do something to help too?"  "You bet!" said Buffy.  "You can be Miss Congeniality.  Greet all the guests at the door, show them the gift table, make sure they find their seats.  Sound good?"   Dawn's face split in a wide grin.  "Sounds WAY good!   I'm gonna be sooooo congenial.   You're gonna be proud of me.  Oooh!  I can't wait."  Buffy walked over to her sister and ran her hand through Dawn's long, silky hair.   "You'll do great.  I know it." she said quietly.  

She spun around and stopped directly in front of Spike.  "Wha?" he asked stepping back only to be stopped by the crate right behind him.  _Why is she staring at me like that?_  _Not the bloody nose again.  Please not the nose again._  She broke into a big smile.  _Is that a smile, or more of an evil grin she's got going there?  _ "Spike, you are going to be Mr. Diplomacy for the day."  His "Huh?" was echoed by several others around the circle.   "You are going to bring all the charm you can carry" she said, "and you are going to mingle with the guests and make sure everybody's happy.  Match people up.  Get conversations started.  That kind of thing.  Any sign of trouble, you'll just smooth it out with charm.  Got it?"  Spike was looking like he'd been caught in amber, a vacant look frozen across his usually mobile face.  "If there's a problem," Buffy went on, "then you'll try gently steering someone over to a different group.  If you get absolutely stuck, you can give me a sign and I'll try to come over and help.  Okay?"  Spike had been knocked speechless from the start just by her smile, much less the fact that she was trusting him to help with something important.  _Wait a minute.  What?  _

Taking his silence for assent, Buffy turned back to the group.  "Wait!" croaked Spike, panic evident in his voice.  Buffy looked at him, hands on her hips, waiting for the rest.  "You can't…  I… I can't….  I don't think I'm the one you want for that particular job, Pet." he finally got out.  "Sounds more like something you'd be good at.  Not me.  Nuh uh."   Buffy laughed.  "You'll be fine, Spike.  I happen to know you can be a very good listener when you try.  Just make sure everybody has someone to talk to so no one feels left out, and it'll be fine."  She stepped closer and put one hand on his chest.  "I know you can do this." she said softly "because it's what I need you to do."  He took a deep breath and dusted off his courage.  _Anything you need, Love.  Any time.  _"Right then." he said.  "I'll just figure it out as I go along."   He shrugged his shoulders and gave her a weak, lopsided grin.  She smiled at him again before turning back to the group.    _Bugger!  She'd smiled at him so many times, he'd lost count.  Hmpf.  Imagine that.  _

"What are you gonna be doin', Slayer?" Spike asked, coming around to stand beside her.   "I've got the most important job of all."  smirked Buffy.  "Well besides the bride and groom, that is."  Xander and Anya exchanged a smile, anticipation starting to overtake fear for the first time in weeks.  "My job is to keep Xander's parents"  now the gang chimed in loudly "Away . From . The . Bar!"  They all laughed.   Xander looked at them sheepishly.  "Guess I've mentioned that a few times, huh?"  "A few." they chorused back at him good-naturedly. 

"Right."  said Buffy.   "That's settled.  We're gonna make this wedding perfect with sheer determination and team work.  No matter how weird we've all been acting, or what bizarro messes we've been getting into, at least it's not as bad as hellgods, or time travelers.  And one thing's for sure, we know nobody in THIS group would ever turn on the rest of us!"  _Poor Angel._  "Right?" she asked.  They all smiled and chorused "Right!", except for Xander, who was staring at Spike.  Buffy took a step toward the soon-to-be groom and said again, softly, "Right?"  He paused another moment, his eyes never leaving the vampire, then he nodded his head, the ghost of a smile breaking through, and said "Right".   _Maybe.  I think so.  Maybe._  Buffy put a hand on his shoulder and he smiled up at her.  "Thanks, Buff.  Thanks, guys." he said to the group.  "It means a lot to An and me to know you're all gonna be there for us."  He pulled Anya close and planted a kiss on the top of her head.  

"Now can we get out of here?"  asked Willow.  _I reallllly need some water soon._  "My feet are kinda wet and cold."  She grimaced as the group stood and began moving toward the tunnel they'd come in through.   Despite the upcoming trek back through the smelly sewers, no one but Willow was complaining.  Instead, there were smiles and the chatter had a happy tone the group hadn't experienced in quite awhile.  "I sure wish we could just float over that muck." said Willow, to no one in particular.   She was in babble mode now.  "Oooh.  Better yet, wouldn't it be cool if we could just teleport out or something."    

Buffy laughed, just because she felt like it, and trailed at the back of the group with Spike till they were all standing in front of the tunnel doorway.  "Sorry about the nose before, Spike.  I kinda over-reacted."  He did a double-take and gulped.  _She apologized! To me!  In front of everybody! To me!  _"I don't even care about my boots any more." she laughed, waving one foot in the air.   "I'm just glad that now we have a plan."    Spike chuckled, making an effort to look normal.  "Just a precaution anyway, Pet." he got out.  "Maybe nothing bad'll happen."  Everyone else suddenly froze.  All heads swiveled toward him.  Every face wore an expression of pure horror.  "What?" he asked.   They continued staring and he took a step back.  "What did I do?"   Then they all started yelling at him at once.   "You've jinxed us!" "You idiot!" "What were you thinking?"  "Were you even thinking at all?"  "We're doomed!"  He tried to protest, but they drowned him out.  Finally, giving him one more look of total contempt, they filed one by one into the tunnel, leaving him to be the caboose at the end.   _Stupid git!  Bleedin' idiot!  Knew it was too good to last!  Managed to be a real member of the team for two whole minutes.  Wanker!  Stupid, stupid, STUPID GIT!  _


End file.
